FREE ESSAY ON FINDING SALVATION

FINDING SALVATION

Finding Salvation
What is love? This question has probably been asked or thought about since the beginning
of time. The definition of love cannot be defined as something concrete but something
that is infinite. It is something that can evolve to everyone's personality and something
that everyone can choose to create for him or her. The idea of love can change as the
seasons change throughout the year. But for some, finding love is not an easy path and
the search for love can become a fa?ade to cover their true identity. In Giovanni's Room
by James Baldwin, the main character seems to be confused about his life and more
importantly about love. He not only struggles to find his sexuality but he uses the
notion of love to fill the void in his life at any given time. David becomes so enveloped
by his desires, wants, dreams, and idea of manhood that he cannot truly find what love
means to him.
As the story of David's trek to Europe unfolds, there is an obvious sense of confusion
and understanding all in one. He starts off right away talking about how he never loved
Hella. He states, "…I thought she would be fun to have fun with. That was how it
began, that was all it meant to me I am not sure now, in spite of everything, that it
ever really meant more than that to me (p.4)". All throughout the novel, David is
confused about Hella. Yet, he still asks her to marry him and strings her along through
his sexuality confusion because he believes that she can make him happy. He constantly
refers back to a life that he wants to lead, but a life with a nice home, a wife, and
some children. What he fails to question is why he believes those are his true dreams.
Even as he leaves for Europe he talks about his father and says, "And we got on quite
well, really, for the vision I gave my father of my life was exactly the vision in which
I myself most desperately needed to believe (p.20)."
What is most interesting as his story goes on is how David is so capable of convincing
Hella and Giovanni that he truly loved both of them. He kept both of them in his life but
never truly knew what he wanted. In his mind, he wanted the perfect American family to
bring home to his father yet he could never resist the desire for men that he held
within. Always in the back of his mind, David knew what Europe was going to be for him.
He knew it wasn't going to be a search for a home but a search for his sexuality. How he
uses his two lovers is very intriguing because his "love" for both of them was truly only
a sense of security. Davis states about Giovanni, "Sometimes I thought, but this is your
life. Stop fighting it. Stop fighting. Or I thought, but I am happy. And he loves me. I
am safe. Sometimes…I thought, I will never let him touch me again (p.88)". From
Hella to Giovanni his confusion never stops because with Hella his dreams of a life could
come true but with Giovanni his deep desire no longer is hidden.
As David's moods swing back and forth his love for each Hella and Giovanni conveniently
change. When Hella leaves to go to Spain, David begins a wonderful relationship with
Giovanni yet as her return comes closer he begins to question his professed love. He
states, "Yet is was true…I wanted children. I wanted to be inside again, with the
light and safety, with my manhood unquestioned, watching my woman put my children to
bed…I could make it real. It only demanded a short hard strength for me to become
myself again (p.103)." His notion of safety changes and so does his love. Wherever he
feels that safety can be found he believes that he has found love yet in reality that his
love is only a mask for the fear of the unknown. David seems to be seeking for something
to make him feel safe yet that "web of safety" is not something to be found in another
person. Rather, that sense of safety that he is looking for must be found within
himself.
Since David is not secure with his own identity, he pushes his reflection onto others and
onto his surroundings. Upon Hella's return he wants and expects himself to feel something
for her again. He says, "She fitted into my arms, she always had, and the shock of
holding her caused me to feel that my arms had been empty since she had been away (p.
120)." It's almost as if he makes himself feel emotions that aren't really there because
takes them back so quickly. With a simple stroll down the riverbank, he changes how he
feels about Giovanni and once he becomes accustomed to Hella again, he leaves her too.
David is so mixed up with his emotions and lies to himself that he no longer feels
anything toward either of his two loves. Giovanni says, "…maybe diamonds down there
between your legs! You will never give it to anybody; you will never let anybody touch it
- man or woman. You want to be clean (p.141)." Even the sense of security that he covers
with the notion of love is gone towards the end of the book.
David loses both his loves not only because he reflected upon them the hatred, confusion,
and fear that he felt in his body but because he never truly understood himself. Through
all his confusion, lust, and notions of love, he is able to finally realize certain
things about his life. He is finally able to tell Hella who he really is and to let her
vanish from his life because he can no longer pretend to have feelings for her. He can no
longer pretend that his desire and passion for men can be ignored just so he can follow
his so-called dreams. He states, "When my fingers began, involuntarily, to loose their
hold on Hella, I realized that I was dangling from a high place and that I had been
clinging to her for my very life (p. 158)". 
What David needed to cling onto was the safety living a life unquestioned and familiar to
everyone, which could no longer occur. Once Hella leaves and David is allowed to truly
consider the death of Giovanni, he can now begin the search for his identity. David says,
" I long to make this prophecy come true, I long to crack that mirror and be free….
Yet, the key to my salvation, which cannot save my body, is hidden in my flesh (p.168)".
So, David is finally able to realize that it is not possible to find answers within
others but only within his himself and his true identity.