FREE ESSAY ON PSYCH PAPER

PSYCH PAPER

My Mom and Dad were divorced when I was one. Dad actually managed to sexually abuse me
before the divorce. Karen and Janet, my two older sisters and I went to Dad's on Sundays
where we had breakfast. We listened only to classical music, which we hated probably
because it was Dad. We did not like him too much, he was  different. I had no idea until
after he was murdered that he was gay. Well, looking back he was flamboyant, wearing
scarves and brooches. He was a gourmet cook and prided himself in the feasts he made for
us. My favorite was the crepes drenched in butter and cinnamon sugar. He kept house
meticulously, which mirrored his career, a famous art restorer.
I never told him I loved him. We had an emotionally distant co-existence. One thing I
have held dear like the person in Living through Personal Crisis by Dr. Ann Kaiser
Stearns who saved all the clothes of their loved one is a small crystal Easter egg that
he gave to me one Easter. It is a symbol of his love, and my valuing it. Mostly, he
showed his love through things and outings to plays and musical recitals. Those times
were sometimes fun sometimes tedious. But today, I have come to enjoy these types of
cultural events. They have helped to shape who I am today.
How do you grieve someone you hardly knew, but who is supposed to mean so much?? I have
postponed the grief some what through alcohol and drug use and avoidance. He did mean
something to me because when we came home from school, in seventh grade, that day in
January, I was shocked when Mom declared, you're father is dead. What do you mean?! What
happened?! What do you mean he's dead?! Then the tears started to come and the oh my
God's- the utter shock. They told me it was a burglary but that is not what happened. The
truth was withheld from me. He was actually taking advantage of two young male
prostitutes. Risky behavior, that's for sure. What do you mean male?! What do you mean
prostitutes?! I was humiliated! It was years later that I got this news. The whole scene
was embarrassing. I thought everyone knew from the newspaper but the whole story was not
in the newspaper due to plea bargaining.
Back to the seventh grade when this occurred, I was supposed to give a speech dressed as
Pocohontas in social studies. Needless to say I missed that one, and subsequently almost
failed out of McDonogh that semester. People really don't give enough time for grieving
in this society. I needed more time. 
You would not believe how many times I heard  I'm sorry  from acquaintances at school. It
was too much. It did not help me at all to feel better. No one knew how to listen or even
wanted to listen. One girl did ask me how many times he was stabbed. That was really
ignorant. I would not have known what to say if someone had listened. But I'm sorry is
really useless in helping a person in mourning.
Not having any close friends during this time caused me to push my anger down. This began
years or depression and suicidal thoughts. An awful lot can happen when one does not deal
with pain and loss. My best friend, Ramsey and I did not even talk about the loss of my
Dad. However I did find one coping mechanism to further lengthen my grief. It was
alcohol. My first drink was with Ramsey at her grandmother's house. It was sweet white
wine from my Dad's wine seller. 
I had no empathic friends at this time in my life, to route for me and help me to talk
about my feelings. In middle school, who really has that anyway? It seems that no one I
knew talked about problems, nor supported each other except the cheerleaders!
The importance of empathic friends in my life today is priceless. I would not do without
the recognition of growth, warmth and affection, the reminders of strengths, and the
respect of my courage and sense of determination along with all the other goodies that
come from such a friend. I have also tried to be this kind of friend. I have discontinued
those destructive relationships from my drinking and drugging days. Those days brought me
nothing but being able to avoid my grief. 
Another two forms of self-love I use now are first, a technique I learned from my
therapist, looking in the mirror and having forgiveness and love for myself, and telling
myself I love myself (looking deep within my eyes.) Also, I masturbate when I feel so
inclined and do not feel guilty about it. It comforts me now as it did when I was
younger.
At the time of the murder, I did not have any major decisions to make in the first year.
My family went to Club Med as a getaway to heal from the loss. We did not heal any
faster, but it was nice to escape for a while.
Now, when January approaches it always bring heavy, depressed, and angry feelings to the
forefront of my mind. January 11th is especially hard, being the day he was murdered. I
try to surround myself with supportive friends and make certain I am seeing my therapist
once a week or more if needed.
The unexpected trouble I now expect is for movies to trigger a world of emotions and
healing tears. Smoke Signals this past winter had me sobbing at the end where it talked
about forgiving our fathers. It felt so good to let it out in front of my friend and the
rest of the moviegoers. I even saw it twice, it affected me so much. I cried both times!
My mourning has lasted for far longer than the projected time of a year or two because I
prolonged it with the use of drugs and alcohol. I did not want to feel the raw emotions,
so I delayed it until my late teens and early twenties. This was the time in my life when
I was forced to seek professional help in mental institutions and out of them. I will
never forget writing my Dad a letter and having it read back to me by our family
therapist. I cried when he got to the nice things my Dad did with us. Some nostalgia came
back for this ogre called my father.
I have certainly hurt more from the loss and the sexual abuse, only to hurt less now on
the other side. Many of my feelings were sent underground only to resurface many years
later. The problematic consequences were and are suicidal tendencies, manic depression, a
withdrawn demeanor, difficult relationships, and sexual promiscuity. I only felt guilt
for a short time, but these other things, especially manic depression have stayed with me
all these years. Other expressions of my denied feelings identified in Dr. Stearns book
on page 61 that apply to me are moodiness, abuse of alcohol and drugs and reckless
spending. I think I have had frozen emotions for a long time.
As I was said, I was forced to seek professional help in institutions starting at age 19.
I was in a new town in Illinois with a boyfriend and had taken a hit of acid that did not
wear off. I ended up being sent suicidal and got sent to a hospital. He was done with me.
So I dealt with being insane and abandoned again all at once. I had no one to talk to
about these things so I was sent back here to Baltimore and to Sheppard Pratt 
So not only did I lose my love of two years, I also lost myself. That was too much crisis
at one time but the murder of my father was most traumatic. I did not get the help I
needed until seven years later in Sheppard Pratt.
Ever since Sheppard Pratt I have had a therapist to help me heal from the murder, and to
process other strong feelings or any feelings at all. This however has not stopped me
from returning to the hospital numerous times. Bi-polar is a difficult disease to bear.
Thank God for medicine.
Faith learned in Alcoholics Anonymous has helped me to greatly to deal with my loss over
the last seven years. I have a sense that no matter what happens all is well and will be
well.
Dr Stearns book Living Through Personal Crisis has taught me to view grief in all these
different ways, mentioned above. Now I will write how Hugh Missildine's parental
attitudes have also affected the perspective of my life.
Being the youngest, I am susceptible to oversubmissiveness. I am prone being demanding
and impulsive. The adult traits that apply to me are as follows. I tend to have a warm
outgoing winsome persuasive and charming personality, especially when I am manic. Also
when I am manic and not, I am spontaneous and impulsive. If I am at home and think of a
book I really want, nothing is stopping me from going and getting it right then. I smoke
too much, especially when writing papers. I used to drink too much in my past. Right now
due to medicine I am taking my appetite is voracious and I waste money on eating out at
restaurants. I am better at not doing this now, but I have found it difficult to complete
long-term goals.
I went through a 500 hour professional massage training program only to find out that I
cannot be a sole practitioner. I must work with other people, on a team.
I am also fickle in relationships and friendships, but I am getting better here. I do not
say no easily. I genuinely feel unloved when I am not given in to.
I have to have my way especially with my oldest sister. She gets so mad at me because of
this self-will I exhibit. But I always feel belittled when she gets mad at me. I mean
what did I do wrong?! I realize now I have to compromise.
Now the parental trait or reason or reason why my Mom was oversubmissive was because of
my Dad being so strict and because of the sexual abuse. She was always trying to make up
for that. She would buy us things and take us places impulsively. Her parents were not
especially strict except her Mom. I think her Mom belittled her as a child a lot.
I must get control of my tendency to be generous to a fault, which I am. Also, I must
make myself do what said I would do. This I am doing too. I must be getting better.
My tendency to form close relationships quickly and easily and just as easily move on to
someone else is really hard to see about myself. I must maintain the friendships I have
and learn not to get scared that they will leave first. That has always been my fear.
How to deal with it is by making myself my ideal parent for myself: reasonable; fair;
loving; and firm. I have to set limits. I know from past experience that I cannot drink
one beer. I would have to go out and have five more, so I set limits by not having any.
That way I do not get in trouble. I also go to AA, where I learn the spiritual skills to
set that limit. I compromise with my sister. When she has an idea, I go with it. This all
takes self-honesty and being considerate with other people. I limit time I spend with
other impulsive people. I will have to try treating myself when I do not give in to my
impulsivity. I do have a certain amount of discernment that helps me read between the
lines and trust my intuition
Neglect is the other parental attitude that I relate to. The adult traits are staying in
destructive. I have stayed in relationships with depressed people too much in my past.
One boyfriend dove into a wall because he was in a rage. I stayed with him for months
after that.
I also have had low self-esteem especially when coming down from a manic high. That is
the worst, because I feel on top of the world then plummet into depression and low
self-esteem. That happened just in November of last year, but I am getting better.
I have always been somewhat of a loner. In middle school that was the hardest because my
Dad died and there was no one to talk to about it.
I used to steal things when I had the money to pay for them. That lasted quite a while. I
guess I thought that would fill my emptiness plus it was a thrill to not get caught.
The circumstances of childhood began with my Dad being a drug abuser. He took me to
California to visit my aunt and cousins when I was ten. Well, we were all sitting in the
sauna and my cousin started rolling a joint. So my Dad was sitting next to me and passed
me the joint. I said, NO! He then said, Nothing will hurt you if you only try it once. I
left saying, NO! 
Then my Dad being murdered when I was twelve, as I wrote before. I also witnessed my
middle sister getting caught shoplifting when I was young. My Mom had to pick her up from
the police station. Whew I would not have wanted to be her!
My parents divorce is another circumstance of neglect. They were bitter with each other,
especially my Mom, probably because of the sexual abuse.
Finally, my Mom has always been troubled about money. She has plenty of money, yet she is
still troubled about it. She always tells me to save money because I am not too good at
saving.
Coming from neglect, I yearn for closeness and intimacy but am afraid of getting hurt.
Usually I get out of the relationship first. Also in relationships I have that come
close/get away sentiment. I have ambivalence about relationships. What does help me is
professional help. I do not know what I would do without a therapist and a psychiatrist.
They help immensely.
Self-care habits also help. Eating healthy foods, sleeping enough, interest in
activities, all these help. I have built some of a surrogate family but my family of
origin is still very loving and kind.
The concept of self-love is apparent in both Dr. Stearns book and Hugh Missildine's
concepts. These two authors have really helped me to see where I can improve myself and
get beyond my loss and the two people who raised me. There is no way under it, around it
or over it, we have to go through it to see ourselves clearly. These two authors have
helped me to see more clearly my life and ways to change my dysfunctional ways to
functional ways of dealing with life and growing.