FREE ESSAY ON WHO AM I?

WHO AM I?

I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to
remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat
retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I
manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row. 
I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe
inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am
an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru. 
Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small
village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello,
I was scouted by the Mets, I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I'm bored, I
build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays,
after school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge. 
I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide
swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don't perspire. I am a private
citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller number nine and have won the weekend
passes. Last summer I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration.
I bat .400. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany
circles. Children trust me. 
I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read
Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to
refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food
item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations for the CIA. I sleep
once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I
successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The
laws of physics do not apply to me. 
I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off
steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life
but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a
mouli and a toaster oven. I breed prizewinning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan,
cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played
Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis. 
But I have not yet gone to college.